cocooned

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snowed in… and loving it… i’ve watched tons of movies that i’ve been wanting to see… drunk buckets of green tea… stopped at the bookstore and chatted with my favorite book store owner… perused the beauteous shelves of yarn at the knitting store and started a scarf for my beloved… i can’t remember when i’ve felt so relaxed and so on track with where i need to be… as soon as the weather clears, i’m meeting with my new art instructor… i feel more excited than i have since i can’t remember when… i trust that if i allow things to unfold day by day… without unrealistic expectations… i will finally be on the path i was meant to be on all along…

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retreat, day one

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so the kids are off to grandma’s and i’ve committed this week to creative exploration… i walked into my office to snap a picture of the lovely snow out the window and was struck by the girls’ paintings all over the walls… how playful, and carefree… they obviously just took pleasure in using the colorful paints and oil pastels, with no regard to whether the pictures would be perfect… and then, most spectacular of all, they proudly taped them all over the walls… proud of their creations… not wondering, but knowing that they’re beautiful, and that’s enough… that’s what i need to do… recapture that child-like mind… i hope i can… remember how to be playful and generous with myself… overcome all of the negative messages i’ve been telling myself for way too long…

sparkling

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as destructive and dangerous as it is, i can think of few things more stunningly beautiful as nature glazed over with a coating of ice… especially on a sunny day when everything just sparkles… like mother nature has adorned herself in her finest jewels… 

i’m still feeling quite sparkly myself… still very jazzed about the creativity i feel bubbling to the surface. the kids will be gone all week and i plan to take advantage of the breathing room to delve deeply into my creativity… In the line up I have my drawing on the right side of the brain book, the artist’s way, and my meditation book… the main tools i plan to use to get started…

breakthrough

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i felt like i had a major creative breakthrough yesterday when i discovered Asheville-based artist, Melissa Moss. she had worked in publishing for many years and drove to work miserable every day, and found her way to a color psychology course which ultimately led her to painting. she’s only been painting a few years… and her work is so beautiful. it’s the first time i’ve felt like i really need to try to paint, and i think i really can learn. i spend a good part of my days lurking on artist’s blogs, amazed by their creativity and talent, but then i read the bio page and it’s always the same… loved art from birth, born with a paintbrush in hand, parents encouraged their love of art, blah, blah, blah. And I remind myself once again, I am not an artist. I honestly can’t remember ever holding a paintbrush (except to paint my basement). it was simply never part of my reality. my parents had no interest in art, i had no extended family or friends who were interested in art… but i’ve always admired and been jealous of artists over all others… doctors, lawyers, wealthy business people of all stripes, i don’t give a thought to, but artists, they are the magical ones… they can do things i can’t even imagine doing… they have divine gifts… otherworldly… But, i had a dream last night that i was painting… I was Painting! And it felt wonderful…. i’ve never had a dream like that… amelia was crying last night because we had been watching old videos of she and Gabe when they were babies. She was crying because she is sad that she’ll never be little again… i wonder if it’s because i’ve made being a grown up look so miserable… i hope i can change that perception by following my dream… next week the kids will be in SC, and i intend to find a class, and some paint… and learn to play again…

evening

dsc_0009It’s a quiet evening… rainy and cold outside… i want to remember these quiet evenings sitting across from my boy as he’s reading the last Harry Potter… intense look on his face… the words forming images in his mind… penetrating the tough facade… fred weasley just died… he died laughing…

noticing

dsc_0007i went for a walk today… and i thought… i’m just going to listen to the sounds around me… the wind, the leaves, dogs barking, traffic, my breathing… i’m not going to think about the usual nonsense… who sees me, tennis drama, whether or not we should move. it’s sooo hard to stay present. my brain is so used to going in a million different directions, it doesn’t know how to be still. i was thinking about all of the events, big and small, that i just can’t remember. is my brain dysfunctional? it’s like i’ve been sleeping most of my life. i simply can’t remember most of it. where was i? what was i doing instead of paying attention? was i thinking about what else i should have been doing or whether whatever i was wearing looked okay, or trying to figure out if someone was mad at me, or a million other preoccupations that mean absolutely nothing now. But those memories… those events… are gone forever. i don’t want to live that way anymore. i want to notice the way my children look when they’re fighting or laughing or pouting. i want to notice what Todd’s hand feels like in mine. i want to see people and remember later what exactly i saw. i want to slow down… freeze moments in my mind…

Happy New Year!

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I thought about starting a new blog for the New Year… an imperfect blog where I don’t think about who is reading and what they’ll think of me or the often imperfect pictures I take. A blog where I can be sloppy and carefree. You see, I don’t like showing my flaws. I don’t like people to see my sometimes messy reality. I could have this OTHER blog where I could be myself. I thought about it, and then I thought, screw that. It’s a New Year… stop being so afraid of what people will think if they really know you… warts and all.  This year is about authenticity, honesty, and embracing every moment… I want to be more open…  open to experiences, emotions, people. I want to look back through the pages of my blog and be able to read about what my life was really like at a particular moment in time, not what I want others to think. So, I’m seizing this space as my own. Chances are, I’ll write things that you will not like or agree with. If my openness makes anyone uncomfortable, perhaps you can simply look at the pictures and move on. Here’s to a fresh New Year!